what i HAVE hated

what i HAVE hated
in a word:
variance
as in discrepancy    :  SO AS TO MAKE UNSURE/ 
TO CREATE DOUBT/
DISPUTING GOD'S WORD AS NOT REAL 

var·i·ance

ˈverēəns/

noun

1. the fact or quality of being different, divergent, or inconsistent.

   
   

   "her light tone was at variance with her sudden trembling"

   
   

   synonyms:

   difference, variation, discrepancy, dissimilarity,  disagreement, conflict, divergence,deviation, contrast, contradiction, imbalance, incongruity